


my will is mine

by sxndazed



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, Gen, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Introspection, Past Harvey Kinkle/Sabrina Spellman - Freeform, Past Nicholas Scratch/Sabrina Spellman - Freeform, Spoilers, Temporary Character Death, The Sound of Music References, author rants about canon in the form of a fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:15:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28581105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sxndazed/pseuds/sxndazed
Summary: She wanted to know what it would be like on the other end of that decision. Because by seventeen, she would know. She would have made her choice and lived with it for a year, and maybe things would be okay.She desperately wanted them to be okay.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19
Collections: hekiv's CAOS collection





	my will is mine

**Author's Note:**

> An attempt to rewrite the ending of CAOS. There may be some inaccuracies because I haven't seen parts 1-3 in a while, but please bear with me. Spoilers for Part 4.

_You wait little girl on an empty stage_

_For fate to turn the light on_

* * *

Sabrina watched _The Sound of Music_ for the first time when she was five.

When things were busy at the mortuary and bodies kept on piling up, Aunt Hilda would put something on the TV to keep her entertained. Aunt Zelda thought it would be fitting to have her come downstairs where they could watch her and she would grow acclimated to the nature of their work, but Aunt Hilda was firm in keeping her away from so much death, especially at her young age.

"Sabrina's far too young," she would say, and so began the hours she would spend in front of the TV.

It ranged from shows to movies and the news. Cartoons and classic films and daily updates about the weather. Aunt Hilda thought that a wide breadth of content would keep her occupied, and she wasn't wrong. It was just that Sabrina wasn't always that captivated with what she was watching. That was the downside of growing up with magic. Sometimes, the real world was far more interesting with three magic users in the house than what happened in a box plugged into the wall. Her mind was jumbled and overactive, so settling down to focus on one thing was difficult. That was until _The Sound of Music_ played.

There was something so magical about a world where people could break into song to express themselves. The idea that song and dance can bring people together, even in tough times, captivated Sabrina like nothing else. The gorgeous scenery, the beautiful songs, and an ending filled with hope and new beginnings. Family and friends and love could be magical things, she discovered.

It was everything she could have ever hoped for.

And so would begin her fascination with musicals. She still watched different programs to make sure she got all kinds of information, but musicals became her favourite. They were special, but nothing touched her more than _The Sound of Music._

She would sing the songs, hum them while doing chores and finishing her homework. Aunt Zelda was annoyed, but Aunt Hilda was happy to see that Sabrina took such a liking to something, no matter how trivial it seemed. She would rope everyone into watching it on the weekends, and it became a tradition on her birthday. Scary movies all month, of course, but Halloween was reserved for _The Sound of Music._

And so she grew up with a love for music, for singing and joy. She would drag Ambrose into reenacting scenes, and she would sing all the parts in a song, no matter if it was a duet or meant for a group.

Sabrina wanted that kind of joy, that magic, to bleed into her life. Sometimes she caught the somber look on Ambrose's face when he was stuck downstairs for long periods of time. She heard how angry her aunts got and how they would yell and fight and sometimes cry. She watched as Aunt Hilda would disappear for a day or so and return tired and covered in dirt. She didn't want that to be the constant in her life. Sabrina wanted a family, one with happiness and laughter, and she thought that maybe she could change things.

Make life happier—wasn't that simple?

And it was, at first.

Life was simple—go to school, make friends, come home, and keep up with her studies. Rinse and repeat.

Aunt Zelda always talked about how annoying humans were, how idiotic and foolish they could be. She would look at Sabrina in a way that said _well, except you,_ and that would be that. Aunt Hilda was kinder about it, and Ambrose didn't really care.

But Sabrina loved humans.

Life was simple for them, from her perspective. Sure things were hard, as they were for everyone, but there was this ease that humans had that she couldn't see in any of the members in her family. If anything, humans reminded her of the von Trapp’s and the way they both persevered through and enjoyed life. Well, the good ones did anyway.

She considered herself lucky when she found that at such a young age. Humans that reminded her about the joy of simply being alive—that was how she saw Harvey, Roz, and Theo.

When they first met, it was like everything clicked. Sure, Sabrina had always been friendly, and she rarely ever caused trouble. But she didn't have true friends, couldn't fathom getting that close to others because even though she wanted to, there was still something holding her back. Then the three of them came into her life, and well, that was the start of something amazing.

They shared her love for music, and it wasn't hard to get them all roped into rewatches of _The Sound of Music_ on Halloween. Sometimes they broke into song, and even though everyone looked at them weirdly, they would wink and laugh, and Sabrina thought, _this was it._ They would gather at Harvey's place and play around. They would do covers, write songs with messy lyrics and simple chords, and sing and play to melt away all of their troubles.

This was what she wanted, craved, during all of those years that led up to now. She wanted that easy kind of happiness that came from the simplest things, and she had that with them.

She found confidants in Roz and Theo. They met in the library; Sabrina greeted with the sight of Roz and Theo huddled up in a corner where they whispered and laughed. They were bent over at a book, the second in a trilogy that Sabrina loved, and looked so passionate about what was really just a story. She stood there and stared at them for a beat. She meant to peel her eyes away, but their sweet and easy affection kept her captivated. Roz and Theo looked up, and when their eyes met, Sabrina wanted to run. But they smiled and asked, "Have you read this yet?," and Sabrina couldn't help but be pulled in.

They taught her so much about friendship and trust and love. Study groups and lunch chats and movie nights and diner dates. Theo handed her a new book that was sure to fit her tastes, and Roz introduced her to all types of music. Notes were passed in class and gossip was spilled during P.E. and weekend group calls effortlessly bled into the late hours of the night. Everything was _so easy._

She found love in Harvey. She liked to imagine what love would be like, ever since she was young. Her aunts would tell her that her parents loved each other, transcended the obstacles that stood in their way, and their love was embodied by her. So she knew what love was, knew that her aunts and her cousins loved her, but she never really saw it so explicitly. Especially not romantically.

She would watch Liesl and Rolf sing in the moonlight and dance and get lost in one another, and she craved that. She wanted someone to talk to, to care about, and to be with. Sabrina wanted that happiness, that bright and wonderful feeling that comes from being in a relationship, but she wasn't in a rush. These things take time, but it found her.

Harvey was so sweet. On the first day of school, she was lost and couldn't quite find her way to class. Harvey walked up to her, eyes soft and smile sweet, and asked if she needed help. He took one look at her schedule and lit up in delight before he offered to walk her there because they had the same first period. There began one of her dearest friendships.

Harvey didn't care that she would sometimes dominate conversations because she was excited to talk about something that her aunts didn't really get. Sabrina would bite her tongue and apologise, but Harvey would look at her, all sweet and warm and kind, and urge her to continue. During movie nights, he would inch his hand closer and closer until the tips of their fingers just barely touched. And they would stay there, week after week, until Sabrina met his hand halfway and laced their fingers together.

Sabrina would listen to him talk about his family, talk about how art was something to escape into but also something he was really good at and wanted to do. And she agreed because Harvey was talented, and what a shame that no one else saw that. He listened to her too, knew about Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda and Ambrose and all the things that she grew up with. And they leaned on each other as their voices softened into whispers, listened as if the words they spoke were precious—because they were. And when they kissed for the first time, softly and sweetly under the moonlight with the breeze gently blowing through her hair, she knew she found love.

But things don't always stay simple.

Contrary to her lifestyle, Sabrina was not human.

She did not have the luxury of thinking about college and a future career or what it would be like to go to prom with her best friends. No, because she was a witch, and that was something she could not forget.

The night of her fifteenth birthday, upon her probably sixtieth rewatch of _The Sound of Music,_ she found herself entranced by Liesl and Rolf for an entirely different reason. She always loved how romantic their duet seemed, but she couldn't get the lyrics out of her head.

_You are sixteen going on to seventeen._

She wondered about that, wondered what it would be like to move towards seventeen. Because sixteen was a huge deal. A year from then, she would have to decide which part of her she wanted to embrace. And because life was not simple, she could not choose both.

But she wanted to know what it would be like on the other end of that decision. Because by seventeen, she would know. She would have made her choice and lived with it for a year, and maybe things would be okay.

She desperately wanted them to be okay.

So that song—those lyrics—sat in the back of her mind from that moment on. When she was drinking milkshakes with Roz and Theo and holding hands with Harvey under the table, when she caught up with Ambrose on the rare occasions he was free from the work that perpetually kept him downstairs, and when she had breakfast in the mornings with her aunts before meeting up with Harvey to walk to school. When she went to class and did her homework, when she came home to work on magic, and when time kept ticking and the year kept passing.

_Totally unprepared am I._

Fuck if that wasn't the truth.

* * *

_Better beware be canny and careful_

_Baby, you're on the brink_

* * *

And maybe it was foolish to think—to hope—that life could be simple.

Sabrina's very existence defied the odds—half mortal, half witch. She was both, her blood carried both identities, so why couldn't she be both?

She tried and tried and tried.

All she wanted was happiness, a life with a magic that did good, and a world where she could love both her family and friends without having to choose one over the other. But because life was cruel, it wouldn't happen that way. Not with Father Blackwood, and Prudence and the Weird Sisters, and her own aunt who pushed her and tested her until she would break under the pressure of it all. She would lie there, on her bed, at night, heard Salem whine as he curled up close to her, and she would cry because why couldn't life be simple?

She wanted to continue at Baxter High, wanted to develop her powers as a witch—to have that connection with her father whom she couldn't even remember. She wanted Harvey, and Roz, and Theo, but she couldn't deny herself the other half of what makes her, her.

So she tried. She tried and tried and tried her damned best because if anyone could defy the odds, it would be Sabrina Spellman.

So it worked, but it also didn't.

She got her wish—her powers and her mortality—but she lost so much in the process.

Because life was fickle, and immense power didn't mean an inability to fail. In her darkest moments, she would remember the look on Harvey's face when things went horribly wrong. She would remember the gaunt look on his face the days after he was forced to murder his brother, and she would wish that she didn't choose this. She would wish that she could turn back time and turn around from this life.

But that wasn't quite true, was it?

Despite all her talk about happiness and ease, she craved power. She liked showing up people and proving herself to be worthy and powerful. She liked seeing the look in people's eyes—seeing the wonder and the fear— as they watched in both horror and awe.

Sabrina was kind, but she was selfish too.

She straddled the line between being a witch and a mortal, and she was going to make it work. She would deal with Blackwood, with Lucifer, and the fact that her life seemed to be ripping out from the seams and crumbling all around her. She would give herself both, would work hard to achieve both. It would not stop her from making mistakes, but it would not cost her the lives of those she loved dearly. It would not, could not.

Because Sabrina was selfish, but she cared too much too.

But like all things since she turned sixteen, it worked, but it also didn't.

Sure, her father turned out to be the Dark Lord Himself, and there were people constantly out to get her, but she was here—alive and well. Except, she was also there, in Hell as their Queen. And things were complicated, like most things in life, but it was fine. It was fine—good even—and she still had everything she wanted.

Right?

There were things that were better now than before. Ambrose was free to roam around, to come and go. Aunt Zelda got over her need to please, and Aunt Hilda found her love and happiness. Prudence was kinder to her—they were even practically friends. Sabrina Morningstar ruled over Hell, and she was free to be here, in Greendale.

But Sabrina looked at Harvey and Roz and Theo and Robin and wondered when she started to feel like she was an outsider looking in. She wondered when invitations extended started to feel like a courtesy rather than something genuine. She wondered when everyone else decided to move on and why she felt like she couldn't.

So Sabrina started to crave conflict, to crave danger that would bring her friends back to her and unite the best parts of her life. She lied about Bloody Mary, lied about horrors that could potentially plague their school, and it felt good. Why did knowing Eldritch Terrors coming seem exciting? Why was she happy to know her friends saw something terrifying, and why was she filled with glee when Ambrose would panic over the state of the world? She felt it when she stepped into Hell and had the excuse to see the other Sabrina, felt it when she was successful in trapping them and people flocked over to see if she was alright.

_Look at me._

_Can you see me?_

_Do any of you still want me?_

When Sabrina Morningstar told her that she was happy, she wondered if she wondered again if she chose wrong. Sixteen going on to seventeen, and she was still naive as ever. But Sabrina told her to create her happiness, to manifest it because she shouldn't just wait for it to happen. She nodded as if she understood, but Sabrina wondered if she even knew what happiness was to her anymore.

When Nick confessed, told her that he would wait for as long as possible, she felt her heart ache in her chest. This was what she wanted, right? Sabrina wanted someone to see her, want her. Months ago, she thought Nick was the one, and she would have given anything to have heard these words then. Now, his words felt somewhat empty.

She wanted love, but what did that even mean anymore? To have been broken apart and put back together in the span of less than a year by two people whom she thought were _the one_ made her weary.

Heaven, even an eldritch terror told her she was empty and existed to be filled. She was a vessel, something she had been told time and time again. But that wasn't how it should be, right?

Time.

Time was what she needed to figure things out.

With time, she would know what to do.

However, time was not what she got.

It felt like every decision she made since she turned sixteen culminated into that moment. The onslaught of the Eldritch Terrors brought chaos and ruin, but it followed on the tail end of her choices. Sabrina Morningstar died to help her, and it was the least Sabrina Spellman could do to help everyone else. Sabrina inked her goodbye as if a page could fit every thought she ever had, every apology she needed to say. Everything was her fault. Every mistake, every death. She needed to pay the consequences. So she hopped into The Void with Pandora's Box and a wish for everything to work out in the end.

_You are sixteen going on seventeen, baby it's time to think._

That was all she did her whole life.

_Totally unprepared am I, to face a world of men._

But life had a way of not turning out the way people expect it to, and Sabrina was thrown for a loop when she was pulled away and into the body of her dead twin. She realised that people cared—that they always have.

She knew better, now.

Halloween came, and with that, her birthday.

She was seventeen, going on eighteen.

A year after the most difficult birthday of her life, she survived. She would depend on herself, because she had to, but on others too because life was not meant to be lived in solitary.

Her first attempt at being a sacrifice was born out of hopelessness.

Her second attempt was born out of love.

She laid there on that altar and looked at Ambrose. At Aunt Zelda and Hilda. At Harvey, Theo, and Robin. At Nick and Agatha. And she knew.

Because her life had been an empty page that men vandalised with their selfish desires, but all of that would stop there. Her life was her own, and she would make it so.

Her blood bled from white to red, but that was not the end.

Because while Sabrina Spellman was naive, she was stubborn and selfish too.

It took time.

She knew it would because hiding her plan from Blackwood was complicated since his eyes followed her every move, but it wasn't impossible. So she waited. She waited in that void, a place she thought she escaped, and waited. Because she wasn't dead, not truly.

Her body bled out and was probably buried in the grave in front of her house, but she wasn't dead.

She waited until Ambrose probably found her plans hidden in the clothes she wore and waited for him, and the others, to turn it into reality.

Because Sabrina was naive and often foolish, but she wasn't dumb. The past year had been the hardest of her life, but it was also when she learned the most.

So she waited.

It was months later—or at least she assumed it was as time was merely a construct in The Void—that she felt a tug on her soul. It was calling her home, and she let it bring her there. When she came to, it wasn't the bright white of The Void that she saw.

Instead, it was the dim lighting of the basement in the home she grew up in.

Instead of a room devoid of smell, she smelled the lingering odor of death and the muskiness that came with age.

Instead of absolute loneliness in an endless abyss, she found herself surrounded by her aunts, her cousin, and her friends. Everyone she ever loved, and still loved, stood around an autopsy table as her eyes blinked open and her body came back to life.

Her life wasn't an empty page to be written on all over as she sat by with no control anymore.

Sabrina marveled at the sight around her, and it was there that she saw a glimpse of the happiness and magic she craved since she was young.

Sixteen had finally passed, and seventeen welcomed her with open arms.

Sabrina's only thought was how happy she was to be able to see it pan out.

"Cousin," she heard from her left. Cracked open and vulnerable and filled with everything she had ever wanted.

Her mouth turned up, and her cheeks ached from how hard she smiled.

"I'm home."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for joining me on my attempt to write Sabrina and make sense of characterisation and plot!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/herondaze/status/1346617473076842497?s=20)


End file.
